Spider-Man's most surreal adventure yet.

Ezekiel Sims, a character that has made me ask multiple questions like "What" or "huh", but he's been relatively nice for the last couple issues or so.

Now, since this review was meant for people that have already READ the stories, try to imagine a little kid in April, 2004 that has just seen Spider-Man on DVD (Spidey 2 came out in late June), his parents buy him ("him" because girls don't read comics... Well, they don't read Spider-Man comics) a subscription to The Amazing Spider-Man, and THESE are his first 3 issues... Pretty confusing way to start reading, but hey, my first comic was "New Ways To Die", and I'm still a fan. The thing is that these issues are pretty weird, complicated and honestly kinda dark for the young Spidey fan... Luckily, I am not a young Spider-Man fan, so let's take a look at The Amazing Spider-Man #506 by J. Michael Straczynski and John Romita Jr.

This is The Book Of Ezekiel, Chapter one. The cover shows Spider-Man crawling up a building, with Ezekiel showing in the reflection of that window, which is meant to symbolize the fact that Ezekiel might be an older Spider-Man that somehow showed up to warn Peter...

So, this is titled "The Book Of Ezekiel", which is odd because this comic book is in a bit of a "magazine" format, which isn't really a book, but they're essentially the same, a collection of pages meant to convey messages through words and pictures.

The story begins somewhere in Peru, with 2 explorers NOT speaking Spanish, talking about Michael Jackson... Anyway, they get attacked by some sort of Spider person.

After that, some Peruvian guy whose name is unknown to me meets up with Ezekiel- Oh, wait, the guy's name is Miguel? Oh, good. Anyway, they discuss something about Ezekiel needing help with some kind of mythic Spider thing. Back in New York, Spider-Man stops some criminals, but then Ezekiel shows up... I thought he was in Peru, but I guess people with spider powers can travel fast. They also fail at catching a single criminal. 

Back home, Aunt May and Mary Jane are discussing how MJ's movie roles never have her as the main character and instead she's always depending on a man, which makes her rethink her acting career for a little bit.

Peter has invited Ezekiel over to dinner, kind of an odd thing to do, I mean, I don't invite random people that make me question the small things about my life into my house, but I guess Peter is just a swell guy. As Ezekiel is about to leave, he tells MJ that she definitely SHOULD become a theater actress... Albeit, in a very cryptic and kind of scary way, but she's convinced!

Peter and Ezekiel are now on top of the... Y'know, in all my years reading Spider-Man comics, I have not memorized the names of every skyscraper in New York City, so I'm just gonna call it a skyscraper. So, they're on top of the skyscraper, Peter is NOT wearing his costume, meaning that anyone will see the white guy with brown hair and say "HOLY SHIT SPIDER-MAN FACE REVEAL".

Ezekiel takes time to tell Peter another existential talk, this one is interesting because now that Peter's been in contact with mystical enemies, he's in grave danger of coming in contact with the Gatekeeper, he's gonna call Peter a fake fan of the Mets! So, Ezekiel and Peter must go to South America to stop this madness.

The issue takes us back to South America, which is where a guy is killing a spider... Until it turns out that the spider was part of a giant monster that is apparently the Gatekeeper.

THE END! Well, it seems like a nice beginning to what seems to be the end of the mystical era of The Amazing Spider-Man, maybe we'll get a reason to NOT trust Ezekiel soon... Though, it doesn't look like a good story for new readers. 7/10.

Time for part 2.

The cover right here shows a bunch of criminals running away from Spider-Man and his amazing Spider signal- HEY, wait a fucking minute, JRJR, how does the shadow in this picture works? Whatever.

The comic begins with Peter Parker sleeping all day, I'd call him a lazy bum, but hey, a guy's gotta get a goodnight's sleep after fighting crime around NYC all day. He's dreaming about talking to MJ about her new Broadway career, but then she starts choking and then spiders come out of her eyes, mouth and nose and it's all gross and stuff.

Peter wakes up, Ezekiel calls him and tells him to look at the TV, any channel... Cartoon Network? No, Peter is in his late 20s, so he has to be boring and watch the NEWS. I have an amazing reveal to make...

THE ENTIRETY OF MANHATTAN IS COVERED WITH SPIDERS.

Obviously, Spider-Man isn't gonna just go back to sleep, so he suits up and swings into action. Not before J. Jonah Jameson accuses Spidey of covering Manhattan with spiders. Good thing it wasn't Baja California in Mexico that got covered with spiders, haha.

Mary Jane is at an audition, which doesn't last very long because a car covered in spiders crashes into the building, but Spider-Man saves everyone. 

This is all the work of the Gatekeeper, who has taken over Manhattan with his Spiders... And then he covers Spider-Man with these spiders. And while he's covered in the worst fucking animals in existence, the Gatekeeper narrates for a little bit about how Peter was the chosen one because of all the blind rage he kept inside of him before he was bitten by the spider, because he is supposed to be a hunter.

He also sees a flashback to an ancient ritual with a younger Ezekiel, a ritual that involves his blood... This is a bit too much for a Spider-Man comic rated PSR.

Before he knows it, Spider-Man is awake, and about to confront Ezekiel, who tells Peter that he is probably not gonna come out of this alive.

I did NOT see this plot twist coming, the weird old guy with spider powers that knows Peter's secret identity is NOT a good guy and has an evil secret agenda full of rituals that involve scary spiders? I didn't expect that! Now... It's time to address something that I hoped I never have to address, and that is the mystical aspects in Spider-Man... I guess I don't mind it, but I don't understand why JMS would change someone that was just a regular guy that got powers one day into "The chosen one", I don't actually mind the mystical villains seeing as we already had like 400+ stories of Peter fighting criminals with tech suits and strange mutations. I guess the flashback to the origin was a little bit different from the original AF15, but since this is a hallucination, I guess it could be justified. That being said, this whole ritual stuff is a bit graphic for a Spider-Man comic, don't you think? Still, the pacing is going well and this isn't a 12 issue storylike like what we'll eventually see in the future. 8/10.

Time for the final issue of this review, it's taking me too fucking long to write this, but I think I'm actually improving as a critic!

Oh, brother. Look, let's just move on.

The issue begins with Peter Parker, shirtless and sweaty, all tied up, reminiscing about all the events that happened in the last issues, and then we get a scene we didn't see last time, that shows Peter trying to fight Ezekiel but ultimately getting knocked out. 

Cut to the present, Ezekiel says "I don't want to do this", then DON'T! DUH! So, I guess he has no choice but to mix his blood with Peters for a ritual that will hopefully summon a giant spider that can eat little Peter... Ezekiel makes a small little tiny cut on his arm, but then he has the audacity of cutting Peter's chest really fucking badly, jeez... 

PSR, people. 

Anyway, Ezekiel leaves Peter to bleed out for a little bit and then a giant spider shows up, ready to eat Peter. Just as the spider is about to eat him, Ezekiel suddenly has a change of heart and sacrifices himself. 

Remember Miguel? From issue 506? Well, he's back to rescue Spider-Man and hopefully get him some medical treatment while telling him about how Ezekiel has now sacrificed himself for the giant fucking spider*. So, The comic ends with a question that is left unanswered... What is the truth? Is it about the science or the magic? How is Peter gonna get back home? 

Well, wasn't that exciting? Well, this looks like the end of the mystical era of Spider-Man... For now. This is also the end of the John Romita Jr. era on Spider-Man, which is a little bit of a bummer seeing as how I am pretty mixed about the other artists working on the book after this. Still, this story was... Darker than expected for a Spider-Man comic, but I guess JMS is good at writing mystical stuff, I mean, he did have a long run on Thor. I guess it wasn't a bad way to end the mystical era of Spider-Man, in fact, it's decent. 7/10.

So... You guys know what story comes next, right? You know the one, don't act dumb with me...