Bad Guys Finish First.

This is the uncensored version. For the censored cut without all the swearing and the mentions of sex, click here.

There are only 4 certainties in life: Death, taxes, Burger King messing up my damn order and having a Spider-Man review site look at Sins Past.

You've seen everyone's reviews, you've seen everyone making fun of it (including Marvel themselves) and you even lived long enough to see it get retconned (Thanks, Nick Spencer).

The story has it that in 2004, J. Michael Straczynski wanted to write a story about Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker's secret children that eventually tried to kill Peter... Odd, but okay. This is where Marvel's then editor-in-chief Joe Quesada comes in... So, Joe tells JMS that making Spider-Man have children would make the character seem like an old hag, and that would turn off new readers... Joe, I love you as much as I love my own son, but that is total bullshit, and you know it.

You may be wondering, what happened last time? Well, Ezekiel turned evil but then he died, and the mystical era of Spider-Man was over. But you wouldn't know that because you're just a stupid little baby that doesn't know Spider-Man comics and just calls Sins Past bad because 20 YouTubers told you.

Speaking of people that are more successful than I'll ever be, let's look at other reviews from those people.

SpiderFan: Some of the issues have very positive reviews, ranging from 4 to 5 webs... Except for the last one, which has 2 Webs and has the comment "I was really unimpressed with this issue..."

Comic Drake: He calls it "The Most Hated Spider-Man Comic", I haven't seen the video, but I'll drop a link right here. 

ComicTropes: Chris calls it "The WORST Spider-Man Retcon", here is the link.

Linkara: Lewis reviewed it for his 600th episode... Seriously? 600 episodes? Well, anyway, this review took like 3 parts, which is kind of odd because these are 30 pages each, but I guess my review style isn't as advanced as Lewis', most of the review was pretty negative, and just made me wonder why he doesn't just use ratings like a normal person. TL; DR, Comic Bad. And by the way, I didn't understand the joke at the beginning of the episode until a few years later when I knew the behind-the-scenes drama, but that just made the joke less funny than it already was.

THIS. IS. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #509. By our ol' pal J. Michael Straczynski and Mike Deodato Jr.

You read that correctly; John Romita Jr. has left the book in favor of other artists with slightly less pleasant art styles. The cover over here has the ever-loving Spider-Man swinging through New York at night, which could be continued from the last cover but I wouldn't know. His pose is very reminiscent from the days where Todd McFarlane used to draw the comics before he left to make his own "cool" comics over at Image, and then he made toys.

Sins Past begins at a theater... I knew this was all fake! No, it's because Mary Jane is now auditioning for roles, the director auditioning tells her a powerful message about trying hard and how you need to keep trying to get good at things and maybe eventually, you'll just be good naturally.

Peter Parker is waiting at the lobby, what a patient guy. Mary Jane comes back from the audition, shedding some tears... Because, get this, SHE GOT THE ROLE! Isn't that nice?

Back home, Peter and MJ are having dinner when Aunt May picks up a letter and hands it to Peter, the letter came from none other than... Gwen Stacy? I thought Gwen Stacy had died weeks ago. This is apparently a letter from when she went to Paris back in the stone age. The letter reads... Well, that would be too much text and not really fair-use, so I'm just gonna summarize it... God, Gwen, your handwriting sucked.

Basically, she apologizes to Peter for reasons that are not explained... You would think that if you wanted to apologize for something, you'd go more into detail, but I guess she was just under pressure or really nervous or something.

At the backyard, Peter and MJ discuss what's going on and she suggests that maybe it's just a lost letter that the post office found... Which is odd because the postmark says 2004, which brings into question what fucking year is it in Marvel? Shouldn't Spidey be like 70 years old? Anyway, someone is messing with Peter, this is NOT good.

Later that night, Peter sneaks out, but not exactly for patrolling, but instead for visiting Gwen's grave. He ponders to himself about the letter, but faster than you can say "pork", he gets attacked by 2 shadowy, mysterious characters, one masculine and one feminine, the brawl goes on for a bit before Peter just says fuckall and runs away like a coward.

The mysterious fellow unmasks himself to reveal... I have no idea, but he's on a mission to KILL Peter Parker. The issue ends.

I gotta be honest, this isn't a bad way to begin a storyline, in fact, it is a really damn good way to start one, it sets up questions that will hopefully be answered by the time we get to the end. It also just has the JMS touch. Mike Deodato's art was... Eh, it's pretty mixed for me, but the coloring looks pretty nice. Overall, it gets an 8/10 from me.

Time for part 2...

This cover shows the 2 silhouettes about to kick Spidey's ass... Or maybe this is after they already did. What is the point of hiding them if we just saw them last issue? Whatever. 

The comic begins with Peter still thinking and talking to MJ about the recent events, Peter is planning to look more into this, but no time to think about how, because it's time for breakfast.

Aunt May hands an envelope to Peter, it contains photos of someone helping Aunt May with groceries, and a young girl asking MJ for directions, attached is a note saying "We can kill them whenever we want"... Well, clearly, they're up to no good, and yes, I figured that out myself.

Spider-Man swings to the NYPD to ask for help from William Lamont, the detective from issue 41 (vol. 2) to ask for help identifying whoever wrote those ominous letters that Peter keeps getting and if there's a secret message in them.

In the meantime, Spidey hangs around a building, STILL thinking about this situation when suddenly MJ calls him just to check if he's okay... He is. After that, he gets a call from a mysterious individual that claims to have kidnapped Aunt May, and they also know Peter's identity. 

So, Spidey goes to the kidnapper's location to save his poor aunt... Only to realize that it was all a dud and it was instead just a dummy... But not just any dummy! A dummy with a bomb. 

The strange black bodysuit characters from the cover start beating the absolute snot of Spider-Man and they even manage to knock him out. Spidey, unconscious, remembers the times of Issue 121, with a bit of added dialogue.

When Spider-Man wakes up, he finds that the other guys are gone, so he swings away from the rubble and goes to check what's up with Lamont. This is where the truth comes out, Gwen Stacy had 2 children, one boy and one girl, their names are Gabriel and Sarah. Peter puts 2 and 2 together and figures out that THEY are the ones that attacked him.

Well, wasn't that something special? I hate to say it, but this storyline is actually not that bad, there is great suspense here, you WANT to know what happens next, that is because this issue leaves us with a few questions, one of them being... Are these Peter's children? Are they just attacking him because they resent their father? Okay, those were 2 questions, but the point still stands. 8/10.

Next.

The cover shows Spider-Man in absolute shock at the sight of who seems to be Gwen Stacy, back to life.

Peter ponders to himself regarding the stuff he just found out, it's obviously pretty hard to process. He goes home to sort of talk to MJ about it, and then MJ thinks about how she is always keeping people's secrets, but after that, the comic starts looking down as Peter does something completely irrational in the next scene...

Get this, he goes to the graveyard, in broad daylight, and he begins to dig... What do you expect to find there? Anyway, he just can't bring himself to do it. Little does he know that Gabriel was watching. 

There's some filler scene with MJ being flirted with by one of his co-stars but then the other co-stars start chasing him with scripts.

Spider-Man is at a laboratory, trying to find at least a single trace of DNA, but then Sarah (Peter doesn't know it's her) shows up and starts kicking Spidey's ass before he finally unmasks her to reveal that she looks exactly like Gwen Stacy. 

Sarah and Peter go their separate ways, with Sarah talking to Gabriel and Peter talking MJ. The issue ends with MJ revealing that she read the letter, and that SHE knows who the real father is.

The story here was not as good as the last 2 issues and honestly, it's looking pretty flimsy, kind of like how if you eat a burger 510 times, the 511th time probably doesn't feel as good, that's a great analogy, Eddie. So, what did I think? Well, the story is moving forward, albeit in a strange way, but I can't say it sucks just yet. 7/10.

Next.

It is at this point that the quality of the story begins to plummet down. The cover here, it looks drawn by Rob Liefeld, but it's still good composition-wise.

Now, right here, I'd like to add a little content warning for those who are easily triggered and disgusted.

CONTENT WARNING: SEX.

Let's begin with the plot recap.

Peter asks MJ whether she just found out or if she knew all the time, to which MJ responds by breaking into tears and tells Peter that she knew the answer all along. You see, we get a flashback to issue 121, and a scene we never saw before...

Picture this... Or read the comic, it pictures the scene for you. After Gwen and MJ check on Harry, Gwen goes to Norman's office to argue over their... children. This is when the comic gets icky. Yep, the truth is out, those children are Norman's... Meaning that Gwen and Norman did the... Uh... 

How do I put this? Uhm... When a man and a woman love each other very much, the man gives his woman a very special hug, and that special hug gives the woman a seed, and in a period of 9 months, the seed grows into a beautiful baby. In other words, NORMAN AND GWEN FUCKED. HARD. 

What is Gwen's excuse for this? I won't quote it directly, but I will summarize, "I felt bad for him, but I also felt attracted to him, next thing I know, I slipped and landed on his dick." That's not a good excuse, really.

Here is what doesn't add up to me: Okay, I understand that the babies could've been born prematurely... But how the hell did she hide being pregnant with twins? A pregnant stomach starts to show between 12-16 weeks, wouldn't Peter notice and think "Wow, Gwen, you're really fat". This is only explained with "Oh, Norman has super-cum and the children age rapidly and have advanced abilities." 

After this is revealed, Peter yells "OSBORN!" and then throws a fit, breaking furniture, and somehow NOT swearing. I mean, I'd be pretty pissed if I found out my girl cheated on me with my worst enemy, but lucky for me, I don't have a girl.

Well, Peter has let out his frustration of getting super-cucked, now it's time to worry about the evil children. The issue ends.

Wow. That issue was... Not good. I mean, there's still some good writing sprinkled here or there, but I just can't help but feel a little bit disgusted by the idea of Gwen having kids with Norman. Also, did you REALLY have to show Gwen getting piped by Norman? Mike Deodato's art is already mixed for me, I don't need to see how he drew 2 characters fucking, thankfully, it wasn't explicit. This really spat in the face of Gwen Stacy's legacy. 5/10.

Well, as they always say, THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

The cover is the cover.

Peter decides that he's gonna talk to Gabriel and Sarah so that maybe they WON'T kill him, so he goes to the news.

They start showing footage from previous Spider-Man battles, including his infamous battle with a cameraman, where it is revealed that Spider-Man has quite the potty mouth, sheesh, even I don't swear as much in my stupid fucking posts. Looks like some nerd over here has a large collection of Spider-Man things. Look, in the real world, it is normal to have a Spider-Man collection as a grown ass man, but in the Marvel Universe... Don't you think it's kinda weird? I mean, he's a real person, and it's not like he's a movie actor or a musician or something.

Spider-Man has something to say to the press, and that is "Gabriel, Sarah, meet me at the place where I last saw your mother". Would've been real awkward if they WEREN'T watching TV. So, on top of the Brooklyn Bridge, he patiently waits for them... How are they gonna get up there?

Spider-Man finally has time to explain to them that Norman Osborn is their real father... And Gabriel doesn't believe it, because Norman had told them that Peter was their real father, who had abandoned them, and now they gotta kill him. Well, does Sarah believe Peter? Yes. 

Oh, but then, Gabriel starts beating the shit out of Spider-Man, and even tries to shoot him, and the New York Police were watching, and they start shooting, but they end up shooting Sarah, and then she falls off the damn bridge, but before she ends up like her mother, Sarah gets saved by Spider-Man... This scene of Spider-Man redeeming himself had NOT been seen before, no siree. 

Spidey takes Sarah to the hospital. BUT MEANWHILE, Gabriel is in the New York sewage system when stumbles upon a secret secret hideout for Norman Osborn, and in there, he finds a Green Goblin costume for women and a Gray Goblin costume. To be concluded.

That was a little bit better than the last issue, I mean, it's not perfect, but I'd say it was pretty great as a Spider-Man comic, and I can't wait to see how it ends. I mean, I know how it ends, but I am just reading this myself for the first time. 7/10.

This is it. THE END OF SINS PAST.

The cover has Spider-Man peeking at your window like a pervert, like, dude, go away! I'm changing here... Don't you have a wife?

Well, Gabriel has found out the truth about Norman, and he's also found a new costume and gear to go and harrass Spider-Man with.

At the hospital, Spider-Man is waiting to see if they managed to help Sarah... But the doctor tells them that they need some special type of blood if they want her to survive, to which Spider-Man has a great idea... Why don't they just use some of HIS blood? Realistically, here's why this would not work: I don't think Spider-Blood would be the same as Goblin blood, in fact, I think this could potentially be harmful because I should remind you all that a big plot point back in the Ditko Era was Aunt May falling ill because she got a blood transfusion from Peter.

Oh, and meanwhile, Gabriel is now a Gray Goblin, he even injected himself with that formula thing.

So, Sarah is saved, Peter is a little bit woozy from the blood transfusion, but then, the Gray Goblin starts to fucking beat the shit out of him for a little bit, Spidey is still too weak to defend himself, but luckily, Sarah carried a gun with her the entire time and she shoots the Goblin glider until Gabriel loses control of it, and then it explodes, sending the Gray Goblin to a random beach in New York, where he seems to not have any memory of what happened.

Spider-Man passes out, and dreams about the good old days where Gwen was still alive...

Well, while Spider-Man takes his beauty sleep, let me tell you what I thought of the issue: Yeah, looking at this now, some of the plot points of this issue were kinda silly, like the whole blood thing seemed like plot convenience, but hey, at least no one died! It really shits on some of the Marvel continuity, but I fail to see how this is one of the worst storylines ever. 7/10.

Time for some footnotes:

- JMS originally wanted to undo this story during the whole "One More Day" deal, but for some unknown reason, ol' Joey wouldn't let him do it. That being said, I fail to see how this would've even worked, Peter asked, "Take my marriage and make my identity secret again and bring back my aunt", not "Take my marriage and make my identity secret again and make my dead ex-girlfriend NOT fuck my arch-enemy".

- The story was eventually retconned by Nick Spencer during the whole Sinister War thing in 2021, Gabriel and Sarah were all part of an illusion by Mysterio to mess with Norman... Implying that it was MYSTERIO who fucked Norman... That's kind of hot.

- The original plan WAS to make them Peter's children, which would imply that Peter was a parent out of wedlock, and that would not be seen well by some religious people. Oh, and it would also make Peter seem old instead of young and cool... Joe, you HAD a title with a young and cool Peter, and I don't see 616 Peter getting any younger, just more pitiful.

- This was the first Spider-Man comic printed by Televisa's SMASH comics here in Mexico, they didn't think to print issues 46-58 (vol. 2) and 500-508 until they made their crazy expensive Trade Paperbacks.

- This would mark the first instance of Marvel editorial not knowing what to do with Gwen, which is crazy considering that they don't HAVE to do anything, she's fucking dead.

- HUGE thanks to StarlightRLD on Twitch for coming up with the brilliant title.