Trapped In A Box. (After-Post)
I am trapped in a box. I just woke up one day and now I am here. The only pieces of entertainment I have are 1 comic book, a smartphone with 100% battery, and a transmitter that can translate radio signals into internet data for me to write on this blog. Don't ask me how that works.
Their comics were... Alright, but they were released in 2018! Let's take a look at something more recent. Which means that I'll have to look at Jeff the Land Shark. This is VENOM WAR: IT'S JEFF #1 of 1. by Kelly Thompson and Gurihiru.
This issue features the appearance of the WCA... but in New York.
This is the cover, it shows Jeff trying to decide what costume to wear for... I don't know, but is it bad that I recognize all the costumes in this cover? Anyway, he doesn't seem to notice that an alien goo from hell is about to eat him.
New York, current home of our favorite character, Kate Bishop. She's like "HEY YOU, wake the fuck up, it's time to kick ass!!!" and this "YOU" is none other than Gwen Poole, who is always just wandering around in this universe. Jeff has to go too because Kate apparently loves endangering animals. Jeff is wearing his iconic Über Duck costume*, Kate yells at him to change that ugly ass costume, and Jeff does exactly that, but he wears the alien symbiote that everyone has in their rooms.
*What, you don't know Über Duck? The greatest plush video of all time? Not related to the AI website?
Jeff is now bonded with the Venom symbiote, and it just keeps eating things. It turns out that more people have symbiotes, so the West Coast Avengers show up to kick some symbiote ass. Well, the symbiotes are defeated and Jeff is no longer an abomination from nature, the WCA are surprised to see this... FREE CHURROS FOR EVERYONE!!!
Wow, that felt like an Infinity Comic in the form of a normal comic... But one question still remains in my mind as well as yours... Where is Quentin? I wouldn't be able to tell you because I have yet to read the other 5 issues of the WCA series, but I do have a little headcanon...
Quentin was dead that day. Boom. Plot hole fixed.
This issue was okay. Art style is pretty, story is ok. 7/10.
That's it. I'm still trapped in this box. The comic is over... But that was the one I read on my smartphone through very legal methods... The physical issue I have here is none other than THE Action Comics #1. The first appearance of Superman, and the first ever modern superhero comic. I can't believe I'm holding this; this is like a celebrity guest star... What's that paper note? "DC Comics certifies that this is an authentic reprint of Action Comics #1"? Well, that's kinda lame...
Don't get me wrong, I like having this in my collection, I think it's neat, but this just looks out of place in a shelf that's 95% Marvel, 3% Sonic and 1.5% Indie. I need to collect more DC... But this means I'll have to read them and then I'll have to review them and that's too much effort, I haven't even reviewed 10% of my Marvel collection.
Now, this comic has A LOT of backstories, and I shall explain it from memory.
Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster had an idea for a comic strip character called Super Man, his original idea was an evil man that could read minds and stuff, it was rejected by publishers. Then they thought of making him a HERO! It was also rejected, so Siegel threw the comic into a fire out of rage. BUT THEN they tried again with National Publications, and they thought "Yeah we'll print this on our magazine Action Comics". But they had already made the story with newspaper strip format in mind, so they just re-organized the panels so they can fit in the pages of a comic book.
This is MY site, let me tell you MY story with this book. I was at a flea market again and I saw a reprint of this issue, I bought it and now I'm here telling you that story.
Before we finally get to the story, we need to look at the first ad. 25-dollar cash prize to whoever rips off the first page of the first story and colors it. There were 25 winners, and they got 1 dollar each, which was a lot in the 1930's. This ruined many copies of this comic, most of them had the last page of the Superman story missing.
The cover.
It's one of those covers that has been homaged and referenced in tons of Superman comics and even comics from other publishers. Imagine seeing this in 1938, this guy with a stupid cape just bashing a car against a rock in the desert while some guys are just terrified, watching this scene unfold. You would piss your pants! You would automatically buy a copy!
The comic begins with an introductory page for Superman, he arrived in this world through a spaceship sent by a dying planet, the civilization of said planet was millions of years more advanced than our own. When maturity was reached, Superman discovered he was able to do awesome things like jumping, holding objects and running.
The story actually begins with Superman saving a girl. He then goes to the governor's house because he NEEDS to talk to him because he needs to prove the innocence of Evelyn Curry, who was wrongly accused of murder. One guy tries to shoot Superman, but the bullet just ricochets off of him. The governor sees the evidence and pardons Evelyn. The next day, Clark Kent is looking at the newspaper and he is glad to hear that he is not mentioned. After that, he finds out that people are talking about a supposed "Superman", if Clark can't find out about him, no one can. Kent goes to investigate a wife-beating at 211 Court Avenue, and he uses his Superman strength to stop the horrible scene. The cops show up and do not question Clark, who has now gone back to his reporter identity, he says "Looks as tho our friend Superman has dropped in to pay a visit!", yeah, I use that excuse all the time.
That night, Clark and Lois Lane are at a dance, some guys start flirting with her, and Clark is too chicken to fight back. Lois is mad at him because... And she gets in a cab. A few minutes later, she gets kidnapped by those guys, but Superman is there to save her, and we get THE panel that was used for the cover. He saves Lois and he advises that she doesn't tell the newspaper.
The next day, Superman is listening to senator Barrows speaking with a guy named Alex Greer, who is a known crook. After the senator leaves, Superman grabs Alex and takes him to the capitol. He tells us a fun fact about telephone poles and then he misses the capitol. The story ends.
It is really dated, and the art is okay for the time, but it was still enjoyable, and it gets bonus points for being the first modern superhero comic... Though it gets -1 point because Spider-Man is better. 9/10.
Guys, it's random hour, I need to tell you a story while I'm still trapped in this box. Shit, I don't know what to talk about... I got it, I will tell you all about old, canned posts from the old site, you know the one, on Wix, and I will also tell you about the possibility of bringing them back!
One of the very first ideas I had for the site was a review of Sonic The Hedgehog 3, it wasn't really a review, and it was mostly a screenshot Let's Play thingy. It was scrapped because I ran out of ideas.
Another one of my ideas was a review of the first 2 episodes of Neon Genesis Evangelion, this is one that I definitely want to try again from scratch, I even have the notes I took while watching episodes 3, 4 and 5.
I know what you guys are wondering, why am I so inconsistent with my update posts? First, I had "Spider-Plush Tales", then I had "Spider-Plush Hype", and now I have these posts where I talk about world news and comic news? Well, really, I didn't really have a lot of fun talking about JUST the site updates, so I thought I'd talk about other news.
One canceled post that I hyped up was the one about looking at comic book covers. I even asked Twitter for suggestions, but I just never made the post because I was working on 400 other things that weren't that. It was gonna be a cool 2-parter, but I just forgot about it.
Part 3 of the Character AI series. I never made it because I just stopped using the app, I have the old draft but now some of the jokes are really dated.
I planned on making satirical posts and rant posts, some examples were:
- "The Comics vs. Manga Debate", a post ending the stupid ass debate (canceled cause I didn't know what I was talking about)
- "Gullible is written on the ceiling", a post making fun of fake leakers and the idiots that believe them (canceled due to lack of ideas)
- "Clearing up stupid ass misconceptions", a post clearing up misconceptions about me and about Spider-Man. This was meant to release after the whole "Is Spider-Man Jewish?" thing, but I was just so mad at dyingscribe's stupid ass when he said some shit like "superhero fans don't know anything about superheroes", I hate this person forever now, I'm not actually offended but I still think dyingscribe is a stupid shithead, if they ever see this, which they won't, I say "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU"
- "Why I am never writing a fanfiction", a stupid ass rant that I didn't know how to write.
- "Why I don't let people call me Spidey" Once again, something written out of anger because of one fucking idiot kid at school.
As for canceled holiday specials, I had 2 April Fools jokes planned and I went through with none of them, one was about a fake leaked Spider-Man 4 script, I even wrote like 10 pages myself, but I think I deleted it. The other one was about a fake movement called #EndGooning, which was all about 3 posts telling stories of former perverts, but I scrapped it due to the fact that no one cared about the site, and it didn't even show up on google search results. Of course, there was the scrapped Holiday Hour, which was meant to be written in all rhymes, but the rhymes were stupid, and I got sick right before Christmas, so that kinda ruined everything.
One post that I almost scrapped but I managed to save was the upcoming June post, I just came up with lots of jokes and lots of stupid comments to make about this comic, I ended up writing over 10,000+ words, and even more for the extended edition, which is coming soon on this site, while the old site is left abandoned.
Those were all the canceled ideas.
Now, I know you guys are DYING to know the secret to making these posts, what makes them so perfect? Well, now I can tell you the secret so that YOU can make your own reviews in the Spider-Plush style.
STEP 1: Find a site to host your shitty little blog. Make sure to find the worst one (Examples: Wix, end of list)
STEP 2: Find something to review, it can be a game, a candy, a comic, a movie, a person, a console,a sock, a tooth, anything, really. If you run out of ideas, review the same thing 2 days later.
STEP 3: For the rating of whatever you're reviewing, you should be creative and use a specific rating system (For example, SpiderFan uses Webs, Channel Camden uses donuts, I use web donuts.)
STEP 4: Actually writing the review, make sure to get NONE of your points across well, and make sure to mock the product instead of saying something meaningful, and make sure to insult the creators, they are lesser than you, obviously.
STEP 5: Work under pressure, hire someone to yell at you while writing, this will make you work faster and more efficiently.
STEP 6: This step involves idols, you need to find an idol, while writing, you gotta think to yourself "What would my GOAT say?" Here are some of my goats: A.J. and Hecklefish, Barry The Quokka, Cameron Boyer, the editor of ShelfDust.com, and Peter Knetter. What if THEY see this? What would THEY think? It makes my writing better and funnier when I pressure myself and imagine that people that don't know me are reading this.
STEP 7: Make sure to have annoying running gags that you can run into the fucking ground (Examples: Sue Storm wife jokes, West Coast Avengers jokes, "I only read Spider-Man comics" jokes, "I hate Gwenpool" jokes, Weird Al references, cryptic messages, and hating on dyingscribe's stupid ass for one meanspirited thing he said to you!)
STEP 8: Be self-aware of your shitty writing, but never actually improve! and always reply angrily to hate mail and regular fan mail. There is no place for disagreements in this world.
FINAL STEP: You did all of the steps mentioned before? You did? Well, it's time to publish and wait to be as good as me! And just in case you didn't know, this is ALL satire.
Well, I'd love to keep going but I am almost at my destination. I guess I'll see you next time, when I look at the WORST Spider-Man comic ever made, and after that I'll probably talk about The Hulk...
BUT BEFORE THAT, THE VALENTINE'S DAY SPECIAL.
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