4 Random Issues of the Fantastic Four.

You know the Fantastic Four? I know I do; they're the guys in the cover of Amazing Spider-Man #1.

 I could be an ass and just link you to a Wikipedia article but I'm gonna be nice and kind and tell you the story behind their creation. 

Stan Lee thought that the comic book industry had become too restrictive, and it was, there were parents that were worried about exposing their kids to monster and horror comics, some guy thought comics were worse than Hitler, some thought Batman & Robin were gay... And that caused the formation of the Comics Code Authority (Now defunct). Stan said, "Screw that, I'm writing the type of story that I wanna read." and he came up with a team of characters that were super heroic but still normal humans on the inside.

Jack Kirby said it was HIS idea; he came up with the FF and- this is too complicated.

Anyway, the Fantastic Four premiered with issue 1 back in June of 1961, and this is where the modern Marvel Universe began, after this, things were never the same for the ol' house of ideas. It was a huge success, for a second, they were more popular than MY favorite character.

As I did last time, I'm gonna make fun of all the members of the team while describing them. They can't do anything about it, they're fictional, and even if they were real people, I'm so obscure that they wouldn't see this post if it hit them in the face. 

Reed Richards, also known as Mr. Fantastic... What a narcissist. (Yes, I did see that Mark Waid page where he explains the name, shut up, let me make my joke). This guy can stretch and morph and shit, he's actually pretty cool, but those Marvel Update accounts can stretch even further. Oh, and he's like really smart, he's got an IQ of 300, like Dr. Robotnik! Some wonder if he can stretch his dick, and according to a very specific issue of the comics, he can.

Ben Grimm, aka The Thing, he's a buff guy made of rocks, he's so awesome. He used to be the face of Marvel Comics until a certain webhead showed up. Jack Kirby loved drawing this dude, and honestly, I can't blame him, he's just so fucking cool. His story is a bit tragic, though, he can no longer live a normal life due to the fact that his skin is now all rocks. Used to have a figure of this dude, then I threw it away during spring cleaning along with most of my Super Hero Squad figures...

Johnny Storm, aka THE HUMAN TORCH, A guy that can just set himself on fire and be completely okay afterwards. He's friends with our ol' pal Spider-Man. I got nothing to say about him, really. He's like a careless teenager... SOMEONE I CAN RELATE TO!

Sue Storm, aka The Invisible Woman. But she can do more than just turn invisible, she can use her powers to make force fields, and other stuff. Oh, and she's just perfect in every way imaginable... Which can be said about all the other members of the team... And about plenty of other Marvel heroes. I know I have this running joke where I lust over her and shit but I'm gonna avoid doing that for this post except for maybe the little occasional joke, I wanna make it clear that I actually like more than just her good looks, I do think she's a well-written, interesting and badass character. 

There's also H.E.R.B.I.E., Franklin Richards, Valeria Richards, and other characters that are like extra parts of the team. (My bestie Spidey was in the team at one point)

I have a bit of a soft spot for the Fantastic Four, so I didn't really make fun of them, I saw all the movies... I wish I hadn't, but that's beside the point. I watched some of the cartoons and one 20-minute episode felt like 5 hours, but again, that's beside the point. I've never read a single comic. Hard to believe, isn't it? The #1 Marvel fan has never read an FF comic. 

That's gonna change when I look at 4 Random FF comics... This is gonna be a long post, why didn't I just choose 2 issues? Well, the sooner I get this over with, the sooner do I get to leave this alleyway.

THIS IS ISSUE 60 OF VOLUME 2, written by Mark Waid and drawn by the late Mike Wieringo. Released all the way back in 2002.

These are the Fantastic Four. I mean, just look at this cover, doesn't this just look beautiful? Doesn't this just look like a good starting point? Well, the fellows on Reddit told me this was a good starting point. But the cover, they have the FF just looking angry, and they're in space. 

We begin with some businessmen whose faces are not seen, but they're talking about the Fantastic Four, now, how am I supposed to care about what you have to say if you don't even show your face? What are you, a blog writer? Get out. Oh, hey, they showed their faces... I look silly. They task this guy called Shertzer to stay with the Fantastic Four and take notes on them... I wish I had that job, you wanna know what I would do if I had to stay with the Fantastic Four? You don't? Okay, now who owns the site? That's right, me, I'm telling you anyway....

First, I would enter the Baxter Building through the window, then I would beat the shit out of them, and after that, I'd ask them for a job! It's gonna go great. 

On with the comic. The FF are in their... Vehicle, and they're in... I don't know, and they're fighting horrifying abominations of hell, Shertzer might wanna stay inside the vehicle for this one. There they are, kicking ass, Sue just mentions how big brains are sexy... Yes, the first thing I notice in a potential partner is how big their brain is... Having a big brain doesn't actually make you smart, that is a myth, next time, say "I like smart guys" or something, Sue, you fucking idiot. This scene really showcases the team's abilities and how they communicate with each other, you see this and think "Yep, those are the Fantastic Four and Shertzer, alright"

They're going home and they might go for ice cream, because if you were a superhero, you would also want ice cream after an epic adventure. So, there's Franklin Richards waiting for them at home, and Reed gives him a macroatom, don't act like you don't ask your parents for macroatoms all the time. I got like 4 macroatoms for Christmas last year. While all of this was happening, some robot thing just snuck into their garage. 

MONDAY, Shertzer, Sue and Johnny are fixing some wires... WHILE REALLY HIGH UP, they're standing on Invisible Woman's super-awesome-imaginary-platform that she can make with her powers... I don't blame Shertzer, I'd be terrified too. Shertzer drops a quarter and he's like "OMG I JUST KILLED A MAN", even though it has been proven several times in the past that dropping a quarter from really high up would not fucking kill someone, that is ridiculous, Shertzer, you fucking idiot. So, while Johnny is fixing this electricity problem with fire (I would also set electronic components on fire), Sue is just messing with this poor guy, who is only holding onto Sue because he is scared out of his mind. Sue decides to turn Shertzer invisible to prove that invisibility is safe... Y'know, just because something is safe, doesn't mean it ain't scary as shit.

TUESDAY, some shit about gravity, the FF save a bunch of businessmen from just flying all the way up to space... Only to find out that he wasn't invited to the "Cause Cerebral", which is like a party with scientist nerds similar to the Nobels. Reed has been attending this event since he was 17, but this year he wasn't invited because 

WEDNESDAY, Ben and Shertzer are walking around NYC when they see a bunch of rappers and they sing an awesome beat and then Shertzer's like "Yo how does it feel to be the most famous guy in the entire fucking world" even though there doesn't seem to be any paparazzi or rabid fans or anything... Maybe he's youtuber famous to the point that only a few people recognize him.

THURSDAY, The Thing is reading a book and singing his rap.

FRIDAY, Franklin is blowing bubbles... BUT THEY'RE CUBES, that's actually awesome. A bunch of kids ask for autographs, neato. Y'know, I wish the FF were real so I could ask for their autograph but I'm glad they're not because they would probably find this and kick my ass or publicly humiliate me or even sue me for slander.

SATURDAY, Shertzer is talking to Marvel's editors. He's discussing how the Fantastic Four aren't really superheroes, they're astronauts, scientists, and a family! And he's also discussing a relaunch of their comic book. Shertzer tells them to make the comic about people, not costumes... A company that has made lots of stories about relatable heroes should understand this.

Reed is about to get his daughter Val to bed, while also pretty much talking to himself about how he'll never forgive himself for taking his friends' normal lives away. We also see that it was Reed's decision to not show up at the Cause Cerebral so he can spend more time with his family. This is just a great scene.

SUDDENLY, BEN AND JOHNNY SHOW UP TO TELL HIM ABOUT HOW THEY FUCKED UP TIME TRAVELING, AND THEY'RE GONNA FIX THE TIMELINE AS A TEAM, comic is over.

That was pretty frickin awesome, the folks on reddit were right, this is a good starting point, it tells you who these characters are, shows you how they are a family and how they interact, shows you how stupid Johnny is, there's lots of action, good art, good storytelling, this is just a good comic. 9/10 could've used more... Uhm... Could've used more... I don't know. Next comic.

This next one has a bit of a backstory behind it. Way back in 2009, Marvel and Taco Bell had a promotion, with every kids meal, you could get a Thor comic, an Avengers comic, a Captain America comic or a Fantastic Four comic, Spider-Man wasn't part of the promotion because he likes to eat at Five Guys. FAST FORWARD TO 2023, I was at school, being miserable but still talking to my good friends about whatever, one of them mentions that they have a gift for me... You won't believe this, he gave me one of these promotional comics. First thing that popped to mind was "Thank you, sir, what a nice gift", second thought was "How the hell did you get this, there are no Taco Bells in Mexico". He tells me that he finds comics at his local flea market every Tuesday. Lemme tell ya, this kid and I, we have the same braincells, we have the same interests, though he knows less about Marvel than me.

I was actually surprised to find out that this is an original story written specifically for this comic, and there's no Taco Bell branding in the actual story.

This is the Fantastic Four Taco Bell comic from 2009. Written by our old pal C.B. Cebulski and drawn by Sara Pichelli. 

This story is titled "Four Smash", so I guess the FF are staying at home and playing Super Smash Bros: Brawl like the lazy fucks they are.

Johnny and Ben are fighting like they always do and Reed is on a date with Sue. Why does Reed have glasses? Don't ask me. Anyway, EMERGENCY ALERT. Who could it be? The skrulls? Galactus? The Mole Man? Irving Forbush? No, it's the Hulk, heck yeah, my 2nd favorite! Did you know that the reason his purple pants stay on when he goes green is because I DON'T KNOW. Anyway, they fight, and they win. THE END. 

C.B. Cebulski has dropped the ball on this one. 5/10. 

Oh, but don't you worry, there's a MINI MARVELS book to save this thing, THANK YOU CHRIS GIARRUSO. 

Reed has the perfect gift for Sue, a dress that can shapeshift into any piece of clothing that she wants! Wooooww. That's actually pretty awesome.  Sue thinks that is pretty sexist because girls don't always want to dress up and shit. She accepts the gift anyways, but Reed is only a little heartbroken. PEAK FUCKING FICTION, if your comic is shit, call Chris Giarruso to save it. 10/10. The main story is still shit. I appreciate the gift, now I can flex on all those idiot nerds that didn't think I would ever get this. Now I shall put it back on my shelf and never look at it again.

This next one though, it's sure something. I'm looking at Fantastic Four #1 from 1963! By Stan Lee and Jack Kirby!

This is the cover; I'm trying to make this review as brief as possible cause this comic has a loooooong story. The cover depicts a giant monster attacking the FF, but like they're fighting back. How did Reed get tied in ropes? Also, do you think people were confused by the inclusion of the Human Torch? Let's move on.

There is a giant signal in the sky saying, "THE FANTASTIC FOUR", And they all just go to where the signal was sent. Sue goes there while invisible, she takes the nearest taxicab to the Baxter Building... Not sure why she was invisible but okay. Johnny burns through the roof of his car... Couldn't he just get out of the car and then fly away? The Thing is looking like the incognito mode logo on Chrome, but he takes off the trench coat, hat and glasses so he can go through the sewers... They must've left all their brains at home today.

At the Baxter Building, they remember the days before they became freaks of nature, they were thinking about how they were gonna learn the secrets to cosmic rays before they commies did, so they broke into a space station and just entered the space shuttle and went to space. As easy as that. Why did all 4 of them go? Because look at the title of the comic, shithead. WHOOPS, THE COSMIC RAYS HIT THEM, THEY'RE DEAD. Just kidding, they're fine. But Reed Richards is elastic, Sue can fade from sight, Johnny is the Human Torch, the Thing just loves to fight. Call the four. 

So, after that wonderful flashback, Reed tells them that they need to go to the MONSTER ISLAND because there's been many sightings of monsters in around the world, so they all go to Monster Island, and then they go to the center of the fucking world and find MOLE MAN, an ugly dude that was so rejected by everyone that he decided to start a new life in Monster Isle and rule everything. They fight a bunch of monsters (Including the one on the cover) and they fucking win... Mole Man is now stuck in the center of the earth with no way of getting out, that's just nice... Hey, maybe if I get rejected by society, I can just start my own monster society and take over the world! Thanks to Mole Man for the idea.

This comic is really really really dated, but I still really like it. I have this comic to thank for saving Marvel and for pretty much shaping the Marvel U to be what I love today. 9/10.

This last comic, though, it's gonna make your socks get wet and then they will explode... I just gotta decide first. My stupid ass tends to forget that most FF comics I own are from the Ultimate Universe... In fact, the only 616 FF issue I have is that stupid Taco Bell issue.

What about the 1996 relaunch? Wasn't that one great? Let's look at issue 1 by Jim Lee and Brandon Choi.

Oh boy. I have to talk about this. I have to talk about the comic market in the 1990's... FUUUUUCK. This is even worse than the time I had to explain what puberty is to my readers! Sheesh.

Way back in the 90's, copies of Action Comics #1 started selling for big money, so all those idiot buyers and idiot companies thought that if you churned out issue 1 after issue 1, you'd get lots of money. Here's why this didn't work: If you churn out millions of copies of BloodExplosionsDrugsGunMen #1, it's not gonna be rare now or in a hundred years. The lower the quantity, the higher the demand. There were only like a hundred copies of Action Comics #1 in the world, OF COURSE it was gonna be rare. 

Another thing that happened was that comic writers kept sniffing too much sawdust or something because their stories in the 90's were... Not the best. They TRIED to make stories more gritty and dark because it had worked for stories like The Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen... BUT THEY DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT MADE THOSE STORIES DARK. A dark story isn't just something with a lot of violence or sex or drugs, you need to feel emotions, and you don't feel a lot of emotions when you see whatever the hell Rob Liefeld and Jim Lee were cooking up back then. Sure, Jim Lee is now like CEO of DC or whatever, and Rob is still bragging about creating Deadpool, but I don't think it was thanks to whatever the hell they were doing.

You wanna know what happened to superhero designs? For the males, they all had to look badass with guns and pouches and skintight outfits, and don't forget the fucking shoulder pads! It's either that or they had a high-tech armor. And for the females? They had the most skintight outfits ever with boob socks and all, and it was all for the male gaze. I may be straight, but I am not reading Marvel Comics to drool over the pretty ladies, there's no point in having the sexiest character ever in your comic if the story is absolute fucking shit.

And then there's what happened to the Marvel Universe... Oh my gosh... Spider-Man was dealing with clones, Hulk was smart, the X-Men, Fantastic Four and Avengers were all in an event that caused them to be rebooted thanks to a little guy called Onslaught... We'll get to that one day. HEROES REBORN, The origin of the Captain America Rob Liefeld image. You know the one.

THIS. IS. FANTASTIC FOUR. VOLUME 2. NUMBER 1.  The cover is nothing special. Just them running. And Dr. Doom is in the background. 

THE COMIC, it's a retelling of the FF's origin story but it's done in a strange way that only a 90's comic can do. It has more politics behind it, for example. The government isn't letting Reed go to investigate a potentially deadly cosmic ray, and they're not letting the 4 go and stuff, but they kick some S.H.I.E.L.D. businessmen ass and get into their space onesies and go to the space shuttle.

THE COSMIC RAYS HIT THEM AND THEY HAVE POWERS NOW, I would've never expected that from a comic reboot of the Fantastic Four.... WHY THE HELL ARE THEIR SPACESUITS SO SKINTIGHT? 

The Thing looks so cool! His reveal page is so awesome! He's like big and scary but he looks so fucking awesome!

Doesn't he just look cool? But he's not the elephant in the room, let's address how this artist was NASTY, look at Sue's pose! WHAT IS SHE DOING? WHY IS SHE IN THAT POSE? SHE DID NOT NEED TO BE IN THAT POSE. YOU CAN PERFECTLY STAND IN 2 LEGS IN THAT CAVE. This was probably an excuse to show off... You know what.

Unlike the original story that was actually good, this one decides that it's time to meet the Mole Man and his monster friends IMMEDIATELY. TO BE CONTINUED. 

THE ISSUE IS OVER. AND IT SUCKS. This is a shitty attempt at retelling modernizing a classic story, this is up there with Spider-Man: Chapter One. For a second, let's pretend that the other series before this one doesn't exist, do you really think this issue would've been received well? Do you really think the FF would've stuck around? NO, they probably would've been forgotten. Only brought up in jokes.

This is shit. The story is shit. I like the art most of the time, but everything else is shit. SO GLAD THIS IS ANOTHER UNIVERSE. 4/10. 

Well, that concludes our little adventure, I had lots of fun, and I learned to appreciate the Fantastic Four more than I already did. I'm gonna go and... I don't know what I'm gonna do. But the post is over. Up next is another one of these. ABOUT THE AVENGERS.  Or I could make one about The X-Men, or about The Wasp, or about The Hulk, or about other characters... OR ABOUT SPIDER-MAN! 

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