FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

PART 4. GWENPOOL. CAVAN SCOTT. STEFANO NESI.

I'm aware of the fact that I said I wasn't gonna look at the original cover, but this one's interesting because it shows us something that happens in the book... Gwen Stacy holding a dead Spider-Man. I do not like how Chad Hardin draws eye lenses for Spider-Man OR Gwenpool. My point from the last fucking review still stands, how the fuck am I supposed to be shocked by this if you show me what happens on the fucking cover? At least the JMS Spidey covers kept things from us, sure, they were bland but they didn't tell you what to expect.

Let's remember the Amazing Spider-Man 121 cover, it showed us a bunch of faces telling us that someone was gonna die but didn't explicitly tell us who. I'm not saying you can't show important events in your cover but please don't show events that are TOO important, sure, you can tell us what to expect, but maybe not for character deaths.

If everyone fucking dies, what's the fucking point?

Time for the variant because I have a lot to say about it.

Let's not address Gwen for now and focus on our surroundings, I have a bottle of water, Spider-Man toys, and a framed copy of Spider-Man: Blue #1 on my desk. Okay, now let's look at Gwen's surroundings in the cover... There are a LOT of plush toys in here, and a lot of things in the shelves, let's talk about them.

PRINT:

- Copies of Marvel Super Heroes: Secret Wars numbers 1, 2 and 8 in her bed, obviously they're all facsimile editions.

- On the shelves we have a shitload of comic books, including Gwenpool #1 (I have that one) and Gwenpool TPB #Whatever (Japanese edition, which I don't have.) We also see a lot of miscellaneous Marvel TPBs.

TOYS:

- On the shelves we have a penguin, some weird pillow thing and what I assume is the mafex Gwenpool figurine... Who the fuck is making these things? How do they get permission? Whatever.

- On the shelves we also have skull902 in his sleepwear. Not sure why, 80% of this room is just references, so maybe I'm just not getting it.

- On the bed we have a M.O.D.O.K. plushie, Galactus bed sheets and a Deadpool plushie, and I do know who's making these thanks to an issue of The Amazing Spider-Man from back in 2018 (Issue 11).

-Jeff The Landshark, Howard The Duck and Ben Reilly the Spider-Man plushies, along with Thor and Loki Tsum Tsums... Look, I understand the significance of Jeff, Howard, and the other plushies but why the FUCK is Ben Reilly in there? What has he done for Gwenpool and what has Gwenpool done for him? Why not include, I don't know, Batroc? Peter Parker Spidey? Forbush Man? 

And front and center, we have Gwen Poole, wearing the Symbiote Spider-Man costume... Never heard of a person that reads comics with a themed cosplay before. Oh, she's also holding that Facsimile edition copy of Secret Wars 8, not exactly reading, mind you, just appreciating it, which is how most people look at comics with iconic covers. Gwen, girl, I have a question... WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT BANDAID OVER YOUR COSTUME? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, IF YOU'RE INJURED, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WEAR THE BANDAID UNDER YOUR PANTS, IT SHOULD BE ON YOUR SKIN, NOT YOUR CLOTHES. DUMB BITCH.

Look, this cover is cool but it has caused some controversy because... That Ben Reilly plushie does NOT exist.

As you can tell by the long-ass analysis of both of these covers, I am not thrilled to be looking at this issue.

Whatever, Gwen Stacy is doing a bunch of stuff I don't give a single shit about, like saving a bunch of people, but then the now possessed Spider-Man shows up to beat up Gwen. Oh, and there was also some flashback to the creation of Evil Gwen and shit.

And then Kate hits Spider-Man with a truck, which could potentially break his bones, he's not Superman, y'know. And then Kate starts getting attacked by a bunch of people but Spider-Man steps in to beat up a bunch of civilians.

Uhm, guys, the building that blew up in the last issues is still on fire, shouldn't you call the fire department? This is basically a mini-9/11, fucking do something? And why the fuck are civilians protesting against superheroes? You guys do know that many worse things have happened before? 

And then Gwen Stacy Poole or whatever the fuck was digging up Gwen Stacy's dead corpse... Wait, what the fuck is she gonna find there? An empty coffin? Well, no, she finds skull902- That is the second fucking skull902 joke, Eddie, you fucking idiot, figure out something else.

So, Gwen Stacy, whom was advertised to be the REAL DEAL that died back in the 1970s, is actually another god-damn motherfucking clone. Bet those guys at marvel.fandom.com feel like fucking idiots now, they gotta update the 616 Gwen Stacy page again!

And then Gwen Poole possesses Gwen Stacy, and we see a vision/dream sequence of a comic book store, just to remind you guys that Gwen Poole was a character from the real world that read every Marvel comic from 1939-2019 apparently.

We come to the realization that the comic sucks because of some outside force, some weird guy with an X on his face that we actually saw on issue 2 but I deliberately didn't mention him because I wanted to keep the suspense and stuff so that you actually picked up the issue and saw how truly bad it actually was. 

Well, that was actually okay but where was Dead Spider-Man? The solicit for the next issue says that Spider-Man is dead, but they can't possibly do that since he's got like 20 other series to be in, c'mon, you can't tell me Marvel's flagship character dies in the fucking Gwenpool comic of all places. Other than that, I guess it was fine. 6/10

You may be wondering what's up with the vulgar title... Well, I just really wanted to call something "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK" for once, and I'll gladly do it again...

Y'know what's funny? I keep making fun of this book, calling it shit every day, but it's actually not looking that bad anymore, I mean, sure, the ideas presented here are still hot ass but tolerable...